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Monday, 10 October 2011

Toilet Doors

Whether you realise it or not, toilet doors are a terrifying thing. Honestly, whenever I see them, fear is struck into the very core of my existence. They are horrific and malevolent beings that must be avoided at all costs.

I hate toilet doors. 

Well, that is a generalisation. I don't hate ALL toilet doors. I hate toilet doors belonging to other people.

Don't you just hate the sinking, gut-wrenching feeling you get when you enter a toilet, and there is...


There is no way to cover your shame, no sense of privacy, no escape. You may as well walk through the house naked. Honestly, how hard is it to buy a door handle with a lock? You could save people like me so much drama and crippling fear.
What if someone walks in while I'm doing my pees and poops?
That would create whole worlds of unnecessary weirdness. I would forever feel awkward, and never return to their house again. I think everyone should take a gander at the safe haven of my own toilet. It is full of locks, combinations and key-codes. Alarm system and everything. Not even a tank could get through that toilet door.

Now I have a very small and weak bladder, and I pee as often as a mouse. Sorry for the graphics, but there. I said it, and it's out there. But if I am at your house, and you have no lock on your toilet door, so help me God I will refuse to go. I will hold it in till my bladder ruptures. It is a plausible cause of death for me, because I relentlessly avoid the catastrophe of toilets with no locks. I simply will no do it. I will go home instead.
No matter who you are, your presence and company is not valuable enough for me to put myself through that kind of psychological trauma.

Also, don't even get me started on school toilets! Well, not that I've said that, I simply have to rant. Those are the rules of personal blogs.
SO, the toilets in my school are utterly and indescribably horrific. Stupid A-hole youths think it is absolutely hilarious of glorifying to break the locks off the cubicle doors. I'm sure one day karma will come back their way and strike them down dead for their terrible misdeeds, but that is getting off topic. Since there are no locks on the cubicles, I will not go in them. I have skipped lessons many times so that I can merely go home and use the toilet. For poops, of course. Peeing in school is fine, as long as I can stick to my Lavatory Checklist.

[ ]  There must never be more than two other people in the toilet.
[ ]  There must always be a cubicle free (after many bad experiences, I am now urinal-shy).
[ ]  There must never be any form of verbal or non-verbal communication in the bathroom. This includes eye contact.
[ ]  And finally, there must be a tolerable amount of cleanliness in the toilet or I will simply walk away and hold it till I can either find a suitable toilet, or my bladder kills itself.

So there you have it. There is my rant on toilet doors.
For those sick people out there who have no locks on their toilet doors, just know that you are the reason our society is so far from an idealised notion of utopia. I hope you're happy.
You're ruining Earth. Thanks a lot.

Ciao. x


  1. SO TRUE, my toilet door doesn't have a lock and sometimes I decide to rebel against it and just piss on the floor. Easy as I'm weird

  2. No wayyy! 5 followers =P good stuff!